'I'm the man' - Copleston

Simon Copleston launched a broadside at the OCCC's lacklustre management in recent seasons following the announcement that the club had been admitted to the Brewers Cup.

"Finally the OCCC is going to play some competitive cricket again," said the Cranleigh Village star. "Gone are the lazy days of friendly matches; Watkinson throwing up grenades; Chetwode coming on to mop up the tail; hat-tricks from Euan Briggs; everyone on the boundary to give them the single; centuries from Eds (Copleston) against Blackheath. Next year the OCs are going back to what they do best - winning!"

The OCCC will play old rivals the Old Hurstjohnians in the first round of the Cup, and Copleston is in no doubt that new blood is needed for this venture…and he has an idea who might best fit this role.

"Who better than me? I can promise you controlled aggression; dedication to winning, teamwork; flamboyance and gritty determination all rolled into one. I've got a wealth of competitive captaincy experience.

"Steve Bailey has promised to be my vice captain," added the clearly deranged left-hander. "The campaign will be getting into full swing on my return from an intrepid cricket tour of India, where I intend to visit the Gavaskar school of captaincy."

Former prospect Nick Read added: "Copleston would make a far better Fixture Secretary, as proven at school when he failed to beat Messrs Johnson and Watkinson to the higher echelons of the CCC."

He droned on: "I assume that these Brewer games will be abroad as I only play my cricket on foreign soils nowadays. However, as a direct contrast to Mr Bergkamp, I can always change my mode of transport from plane to car, if the price is right (and I am now extremely cheap).