It's all in the movement

Tim Cook, a doyen of the hockey club, once told me that the one thing that is guaranteed when Old Cranleighans are gathered together is that the conversation will turn fairly soon to crap (actual crap as opposed to Henry’s chat-up technique).

Well, he’s right. We can report the Peter Hobbs is still suffering after his trip to India and, much to everyone else’s amusement, has had to succumb and visit the doctor to explain his Bristol Chart predicament. Several OCs with more time on their hands than is good for them, started pontificating about how exactly do you give a sample. Hobbsy fills us in.

The squeamish and well-mannered should stop right here. Over to Arfe

I put it off as long as possible but the cramps (not crabs) were so bad I had to take the bulls by the horns and explain my predicament to a female doc. She advised the following:

Step 1:
1 Shit into the smallest test tube type plastic devise known to man. The advise on the test tube stated - get a plastic ice cream container (empty) and cover it with Andrex
2 Shit
3 Scoop it up (top of test tube has a 'pooper scooper shovel' and place into test tube and seal and write name and date of deposit on side of said test tube and return to doctor feeling proud.

Sod that - am not throwing out good ice cream so I did the following:

1 When needing a shit - go for a piss first to make sure poo wont be contaminated. Cover bottom of shitter with a couple of roles of Andrex so shit can't get into the water.
2 Gently crouch
3 Pick up newspaper
4 Relax
5 Listen to farts as Bristol No. 7 comes out
6 Giggle at incredible noise and be proud
7 Look down and pray that Bristol has not touched water
8Gently reach across and grab pooper scooper
9 With pained expression on face, slowly reach into bowl and scoop nearest piece of solid/water available
10 Deposit into test tube and hope you don't spill
11 Suddenly think - how much should I put in there - do I fill it to the brim?
12 Realise that you simply can't reach down into bowl to collect any more as smell is starting to make you feel sick
13 Put lid on test tube and start wiping.
14 Realise toilet is blocked due to too much Andrex - call out plumber....$200 later...

Step 2:
If step 1 results are inconclusive - they want to shove a camera up my arfe......NO CHANCE

Hope this assists in any decision making....