Peter Hobbs gets engaged!

There are those who said it would … should … never happen, including the man himself. But Peter Hobbs has advised us that he has got engaged. Fathers across the south of England have breathed a collective sigh of relief at the times.

“It is with delight (but a slight tinge of sadness) that I leave the life of a bachelor and am now on the yellow brick road to marriage. Jenni (stupidly some may say) agreed to marry me on Friday night.,” the great man said.

“To ensure there was an OCCC theme to the proposal (and I did think about the blazer) we got engaged at the Park Hyatt Hotel in Sydney (where we stayed on last night of tour in 2003) overlooking the opera house. No idea about wedding dates/countries etc yet.

“I hope this is a lesson to all young OCs - that no matter how badly you behave when younger, if you move to the other side of the world, you can start you life again as nobody knows you ...”

Hobbs ... is this the end?

Peter Hobbs, the most reluctant cricketer since Rick Johnson, admits that he “might have played for the last time” after another failed comeback in Australia. He sent the club’s match report, together with a physical update. “The toe is screwed now for about a month - whole foot was swollen and couldn't walk for two days!! Doc wanted to drill into my toenail....errhh no.”

“Scots won the toss and elected to bat. Hobbsy and I opened the bowling with Hobbs getting absolutely carted all over the ground. His big toenail came loose after ball one but he battled on to return figures of around 80 off 6 (I’m going on memory here it could’ve been a lot worse) .… plenty of dropped catches, the highlight being Hobbsy copping one direct on the left nut while out on the boundary (he let it bounce a foot in front of him and watched it connect directly… then the next ball almost repeated the dose and hit him on the chest, to the delight of both teams).

It's all in the movement

Tim Cook, a doyen of the hockey club, once told me that the one thing that is guaranteed when Old Cranleighans are gathered together is that the conversation will turn fairly soon to crap (actual crap as opposed to Henry’s chat-up technique).

Well, he’s right. We can report the Peter Hobbs is still suffering after his trip to India and, much to everyone else’s amusement, has had to succumb and visit the doctor to explain his Bristol Chart predicament. Several OCs with more time on their hands than is good for them, started pontificating about how exactly do you give a sample. Hobbsy fills us in.

The squeamish and well-mannered should stop right here. Over to Arfe

I put it off as long as possible but the cramps (not crabs) were so bad I had to take the bulls by the horns and explain my predicament to a female doc. She advised the following:

Step 1:
1 Shit into the smallest test tube type plastic devise known to man. The advise on the test tube stated - get a plastic ice cream container (empty) and cover it with Andrex
2 Shit
3 Scoop it up (top of test tube has a 'pooper scooper shovel' and place into test tube and seal and write name and date of deposit on side of said test tube and return to doctor feeling proud.

Sod that - am not throwing out good ice cream so I did the following:

1 When needing a shit - go for a piss first to make sure poo wont be contaminated. Cover bottom of shitter with a couple of roles of Andrex so shit can't get into the water.
2 Gently crouch
3 Pick up newspaper
4 Relax
5 Listen to farts as Bristol No. 7 comes out
6 Giggle at incredible noise and be proud
7 Look down and pray that Bristol has not touched water
8Gently reach across and grab pooper scooper
9 With pained expression on face, slowly reach into bowl and scoop nearest piece of solid/water available
10 Deposit into test tube and hope you don't spill
11 Suddenly think - how much should I put in there - do I fill it to the brim?
12 Realise that you simply can't reach down into bowl to collect any more as smell is starting to make you feel sick
13 Put lid on test tube and start wiping.
14 Realise toilet is blocked due to too much Andrex - call out plumber....$200 later...

Step 2:
If step 1 results are inconclusive - they want to shove a camera up my arfe......NO CHANCE

Hope this assists in any decision making....

Taking it sitting down

As everyone settles back to life at home, there continue to be distressing reports that all is not well in the stool department.

Steve Bailey, who is an expert on such matters, regaled us all in Mumbai with tales of The Bristol Chart and, judging by the industrial quantities of Imodium being gulped down by all and sundry, the chart was the No. 1 reference tool by the end of the trip.

Bailey has now sent us a link to the chart – reproduced here for your benefit. At the last count Henry Watkinson was down to twice and hour, although Pete Hobbs sent a brief message from Australia in which it was clear all is not well down south.

Hong Kong Phooey

We accepted the invitation to be one of the 32 teams to participate in the fourth Hong Kong International Six-a-Side Festival. A truly international tournament with only two sides from the UK being invited. Sponsored by Ichor International Investments and Chesterton Petty, this festival was the first club sixes tournament to have world-wide television coverage and attracted international cricket stars Doug Walters (Australia), Heath Streak and Adam Huckle (Zimbabwe).

Faced with a 12-hour flight, eight-hour time difference, temperatures in the eighties with high energy sapping humidity and air pollution, a three-day cricket programme starting at 8.30 am and a city with the 24-hour-a-day carnal attractions of Hong Kong, this four-night trip was indeed testing. Undaunted, We went native immediately on arrival on the first night with a Chinese supper in Rat Alley followed by a bar crawl until dawn in the lively Wanchai district. This first excursion set the tone and style of the trip. As in nature, the weak members of the herd are picked off first. Peter Hobbs, Mike Chase and Rick Johnson, all hardened OCCC tourists, were soon off the demanding pace of the trip. Our skipper, Henry Watkinson, then went in the back and our Press Officer, Barry Ross, went in the head. Excellent wins against the strong Malaysia CC, Tokyo CC and Hong Kong Wanderers CC saw us progress to the quarter finals on the final Sunday morning. The strategy of fielding first, bowling a tight line with good fielding, allowing Nathan Ross, Abeed Janmohamed and Phil Goulstone to hit off the necessary runs appeared to be working.

On arrival for the quarter final, while we again kept the excellent first-aid marquee busy, our opponents, the Pakistan Association CC, were jogging around the ground. They won the toss, we batted first to post a sub-standard target, Hobbs was carried off the field in his first over when his pain-racked body finally gave in, and we lost off the penultimate ball of the match. The festival was won by the SubCont CC. However, our ambassadorial social skills and cricket blazers off the field continued to attract photographic and media attention and we have accepted an invitation to the prestigious cricket festival next September in Shanghai.

Tour party Henry Watkinson (Captain), Mike Chase, Phil Goulstone, Peter Hobbs, Abeed Janmohamed, Rick Johnson, John McDermott (Tour Manager), Nathan Ross, Barry Ross (Press/Media Officer).

Watkinson scoops cricket week awards

Batsman of the week Close run thing with no hundred but four nineties. Simon Copleston edged the award courtesy of the pleasure he gave on the first Saturday when he ran himself out on 99. He also hit a six on the Wednesday in a rare attacking innings and made another ninety on the Friday.

Bowler of the week The evergreen Michael Chetwode took wickets at vital times and even unleashed his full run-up for the first time since McDermott was handsome. His workload was eased by good spells from several bowlers young enough to be his sons – Lewis Clarke, Dom Lewis, Alex Craven and Tim Payne to name four. Jock Vickers late burst with genuine turn - bowling Chinamen - wasn’t witnessed by enough people to be eligible.

Innings of the week Chetwode again for his eight-ball 17* at Charterhouse. Came in with 17 needed and the last pair at the wicket and hit 4,6,6 off their hapless left-armer. “I'd have gone on to 100 if I had the time,” the modest one later said.

Shot of the week Peter Hobbs’s hook against Tonbridge in a run chase – he top-edged into the back of his head, was knocked out, and when he finally got to his feet was told that he had been caught via cranium at gulley. Peter Rollings’s remarkable forehand smash for four warrants a mention.

Bowling performance of the week Henry Watkinson’s three-wicket burst to effectively end the match against Suttonians wins this, but his brother Sam’s two balls which “pinned” Richard Seeckts up there for amusement value.

Catch of the week: Alex Craven’s slip catch against Suttonians and Lewis Clark’s running overbalanced effort at Charterhouse up there. But joint winners are Graeme Brown’s excellent diving catch against Suttonians and Steve Bailey’s one-handed snatch at first slip against Celeriacs – the latter resulted in the batsman taking a full minute to leave the pitch as he couldn’t believe “that little round bloke” had caught it.

Drop of the week And there were plenty to chose from. But for crowd-pleasing amusement, Henry’s spill against Grasshoppers wins. The ball before he had lambasted Michael Chase for dropping a skyer. The batsman repeated the shot, the ball went high towards Watkinson standing in the deep 20 yards from Chase … and there was a glorious inevitability as Watkinson and ball hit turf at the same time. Bailey wins the most-drops prize.

Angry Man of the Week Again, as always with the OCCC, plenty of candidates. Chetwode demanded that an umpire be removed after he had the temerity to turn down an lbw shout (the same umpire had ask Chetters how to signal a leg bye the over before); Chase snarled at Watkinson, Watkinson back at Chase with increasing feeling on the Monday; but the award goes to a newcomer, Harry Jupp, who showed he has what it takes with a prolonged rant (lasting a few days) after (incorrectly) being given lbw by Chetwode on the Monday.

Spectator of the Week Close contest between Philip Angel, Viv Cox and Rick Johnson. Whereas Cox was a good cricketer for the OC’s before the war, and Angel supplies beer, and a moving target for big-hitting batsman, Johnson was just useless, even by his standards. He took seven days off work and he never actually made it onto the field. Slept through two games. When he was awake he phutted round on his motorbike, knocked it over, and it sustained £500 worth of damage with 15 miles on the clock.

Vodafone Technology Award Watkinson again. On the first Saturday he rang the umpire’s mobile from the pavilion balcony and instructed the official to tell opening batsman Simon Copleston to get a move on or get out.

Rick Johnson: can anyone explain the point?
Mid-Life Crisis Award Tough competition. Simon Copleston for his purchase of the kind of car your father would drive and think cool – a “babe magnet” according to SCGC? Johnson for his Ducatti nightmare, not only buying it, but breaking it, and being too scared to go over 50mph even when it was working? Copleston by a short nose.

Wreck of the week Hobbs. Lifetime holder. Was a shambling has-been after one match, his KO against Tonbridge provoked widespread mirth, and his inability to drive his mid-life crisis sportscar in a straight line caused certain embarrassment.

Honorable Mentions Eds Copleston for parading a pet rabbit called Playboy during the Brewers Cup match (“It’s named after me”). Henry Watkinson for upsetting the first scorer the club has had in 20 years by sending her off to score on the Lowers. Gareth Starling for dumping a girl on the Thursday night only to re-pull her 24 hours later.

Cricket week 2003 ... the awards

Batsman of the Week: Henry Watkinson
Henry was at his belligerent best throughout, leading the charge against Grasshoppers with a quickfire fifty and regularly upping the tempo of an innings in his own style.

Bowler of the Week: Graeme Brown
A long-service reward for Shorts, who was used to keep one end ticking over while the big guns rested (or hid from the first-class batsmen). Brown took the scalps of Trevor Gripper, Hamish Marshall and Matt Church to name three.

Innings of the Week: Rick Johnson
Rick showed that he can play real cricket when the occasion demands with a thoroughly entertaining 60 against Grasshoppers. He also came second in the voting for giving a large assembly huge delight by being bowled for 0 to the second ball of the week.

Shot of the Week: Pete Hobbs/Richard Seeckts/Graeme Brown
Close call, this. All three shots came as we tried to draw the tedious game against Wanderers. Hobbs aimed a massive heave at a straight one ("I was bored"), then Seeckts tried to smack Gripper out of the ground ("I bet him I could hit him for six"), and as captain Watkinson grew increasingly angry, Brown capped it all by charging down the wicket to Gripper and being stumped by such a margin that it could have been classifed as a run out ("He hit me for six, I wanted a go back at him"). Brown's was filth, but Hobbs returned to find his team-mates had formed a 'corrdior of shame' for him to walk through.

Bowling Performance of the Week: Ed Henderson
OK, Michael Chetwode might have got more wickets, but Hendo's amazing return of 8-7-1-2 against Old Aldenhamians is about as good as it can get for an opening bowler in a cup competition. The one run he conceded was a wide off his fourth ball - his next 42 balls were runless.

Fielder of the Week: Sam Langmead
Chased everything, perfected the sliding stop-and-throw, has a good, accurate arm, and most importantly responded to a yell of "hard in" from Chetwode at the bowler's end with a exocet from about 15 yards which left the great man spreadeagled on the ground clutching his midriff.

Catch of the Week: Simon Copleston
A remarkable catch from Simon at short midwicket off Martin Williamson to end an opening stand of 52 by the Celeriacs. A held-back ball (long hop) was middled by the unlucky opener hard to Simon's right and no more than two inches off the ground. Simon flung himself, held the ball, and leapt to his feet with a hard-man's stare and no emotion, as if to indicate to the batsman that this was routine for him. If only he knew …

Over of the Week: Henry Watkinson v Surrey Cryptics
Another award for the captain. Chasing runs as the declaration loomed, Henry announced that he would prove he was a big hitter. The first ball went high but straight to mid-on who dropped a rotuine catch - 2 runs. The second ball was lofted towards long off who should have been on the fence but being an OC (Paul Goss) he had drifted and the ball looped over his head for four. The third ball was blocked. The fourth ball was skyed to square leg for another routine chance but again it was dropped - 2 runs. The fifth ball was again smacked to Goss at long off; Goss, lambasted by his captain for "not being on the rope, you twat" had learned his lesson. Again the ball sailed over his head as he charged in, another four. The last ball was an edged single. Four dropped catches in five balls. Good hitting, Waffer.

Drop of the Week: Henry Watkinson/Anonymous
The identity of the gentleman who dropped the Old Georgians' opener (who went on to get 116) off the first ball of the match - and a sitter at that - will remain a secret as it was his first appearance for the club. So instead Watkinson wins the award for a plethora of missed chances (he did take some good ones in his defence) the best being his drop off the same OG batsmen the very ball after he had loudly reminded his fielders that they "have to hold on to any chances".

Chat-up Line the Week: Henry Watkinson
No contest as the captain crashed and burned in a Guildford nightclub. The recipient of Henry's "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Barbara Streisand?" line was so unimpressed that she hit him several times, cutting his lip in the process. "She had a big nose," explained Watkinson.

Woman's Arm of the Week: Graeme Brown
Not a good week for Brownie's machismo reputation. Having mocked Simon Copleston's throw, Brown, previously thought to have a good arm, failed to get within 10 yards of Simon's worst effort (and within 20 yards of anyone else's) during the Sunday night challenge. By Thursday he was being asked to show just how feeble his arm was to opposing players. His humiliation was completed when he was out-thrown by a woman on the final day of the week.

Conman of the Week: Rick Johnson
Rick's determination to disprove rumours that he has the drinking capacity of a fourth-former ended in a 60 in 60 challenge (60 shots glasses of beer in 60 minutes). Rick triumphed, seeing off Watkinson whose challenge ended on his 57th glass. But a subsequent weights-and-measures examination revealed that Rick's glass was two-third's of the size of the others used in the competition. Rick denied the accusation but the question marks over his capacity to drink remain.

Wreck of the Week
No contest. Hobbsy, despite being just 29, behaved like a 50-year-old on the pitch and a 15-year-old off it. No woman was safe while Hobbsy prowled or lounged in the swimming pool, but once he donned the whites he hobbled his way round the outfield, bowled a few overs and grimaced.

Another memorable week

Click here for the 2003 Cricket Week Awards

A pluperfect Jubilee track made the 2003 week a hard slog for the bowlers, a slow outfield made it hard for the fielders, and some silly drinking games made it hard for the batsmen. The docile nature of the wicket was highlighted by the fact that only one side was bowled out all week - a below-strength Aldenham side in the Brewers Cup quarter-final on the second Sunday.

We kicked off with the second annual match against the Sam Watkinson XI and for a time it looked as if we might be in with a chance of victory chasing 230, but then Sam took four wickets in three overs, including a hat-trick, and we had to shut up shop, ending on 185 for 8. On the Sunday we beat Celeriacs, the last-minute replacements for the cup-tied Etonians, by seven wickets.

On Monday we had the best game of the week against the Grasshoppers. They declared on 260 for 6, built around 90 from Kiwi international Hamish Marshall, and our chase was led by a entertaining 60 from Rick Johnson and a solid farewell 40 from Clem Williams. We slipped well behind the clock until Henry Watkinson blasted a quickfire 50, but we called off the chase at 250 for 9 with four balls remaining.

We travelled to Georgians on Tuesday and were kept in the field in 90 degree heat by a declaration which was delayed as the Georgians weren't ready to take the field! The offer of extending the match by 15 minutes to make up for the delay was declined - wisely as it turned out as our last pair held firm as we scraped a draw.

On Wednesday the weather turned and the match against Tonbridge was washed out at lunchtime after less than 70 minutes play. Out inaugural fixture against Charterhouse on Thursday never got going after overnight drizzle left the square too wet to play.

The sunshine returned on the Friday but, sadly, the game against Wanderers was one best forgotten. Zimbabwe Test opener Trevor Gripper made a hundred - aided by some glaring drops - as Wanderers batted on, and then any chance of a positive result was snuffed out when they kept their opening bowlers on for far too long. We needed eight an over at tea, and started the last 20 overs requiring 208 to win. Opening the game up consisted of getting Gripper to seal up one end with his offbreaks. In the end we almost capitulated as two batsmen committed suicide through boredom (Hobbs and Seeckts) and one through insanity (Brown), as we ended on 109 for 8.

On Saturday we went down by six wickets to Surrey Cryptics, despite half-centuries from David Westcott and Sam Watkinson, and an entertaining cameo from Henry Watkinson during which he managed to be dropped four times in five balls. We failed to hold our chances and the Cryptics batted well.

The final match was the Brewers Cup tie against 2001 winners Old Aldenhamians. They were weakened by absences at a wedding and were rolled over inside three hour, bowled out for 52 with Michael Chetwode taking 5 for 3 and Ed Henderson returning the remarkable figures of 8-7-1-2 (and the one was a wide).

As ever the behaviour of those taking part was exemplary. Rick Johnson won the "drink 60 shots of beer in 60 minutes" competition, but a subsequent examination revealed that his glass was two-third's the size of runner-up Henry Watkinson who managed 57 shots. Brown lost the Rawalpindi Roulette in the Curry Inn and suffered the rest of the week, while also showing that he has by far the worst arm in the club. His humiliation was completed on Sunday when he was out-thrown by a lady. Eds Copleston won the Lord Lucan award, strangely preferring the company of his new blonde girlfriend to that of a bunch of unwashed, smelly OCs. Pete Hobbs hobbled around all week as living proof that there is such a thing as a crippled twenty-something, only perking up when under-20 females were in the vicinity. All in all, a fairly typical cricket week.

Australia tour gets the green light

After several weeks of uncertainty, Johnson Williamson Package Holidays are pleased to confirm that their fourth bi-annual jaunt, the tour to Australia in January 2003, is on.

A number of high-profile cry-offs had left the trip in doubt, but an equal number of cry-ons has redressed the balance and the planning is now going ahead. The flights and hotels have been booked and all the match/restaurant/transport arrangements have been made.

The trip will leave late on Thursday, January 16 (those who have jobs will be able to put in a full day at the office) and will return in the early hours of Monday, February 3 (those with jobs and the metabolism of an ox will be able to go straight to work), so you will need to take no more than 11 days our of your annual holiday. This leaves even the most unfortunate of you with nine days remaining (of which five will be the cricket week, obviously).

We are playing five matches, the highlight being a match at the Don Bradman memorial ground at Bowral (also the home of the Bradman Museum). The cost includes a three-day trip to the Hunter Valley (quite whether they are prepared for Wongy is another matter), six days at the beach (including flights to and from) and all accomodation, and transport to matches.

The cost of the trip is £1800 (given that flights have already been booked this might be slightly more for latecomers depending on flight availability, but ask and we'll see what we can do). Further good news is that Rick has agreed (extremely reluctantly) that he will not go overboard on clothing and he has ditched his plans for Armani blazers.

We need at least £600 now (to cover deposits) and the balance in the coming months but by late November at the latest. Last one to pay sits next to McDermott on the plane ... and it's a 21-hour flight remember.


Draft Itinerary

Thursday January 16
Leave UK on BA 015 at 22:30

Friday January 17
Indoor Match vs. Singapore baggage handlers at Changi Terminal 1

Saturday January 18
06:30 Arrive Sydney, Australia “The Land of Milk and Honey”

Sunday January 19
Game 1 v Newington College (similar school to Cranleigh). Official dinner for OC expats. Hosted by Bob Dwyer.

Monday January 20
Sydney Harbour Bridge Climb / Free day

Tuesday January 21
Game 2 v TBA .

Wednesday January 22
Game 3 v Bradman Memorial Ground, Bowral.

Thursday January 23
Free Day / One day final Eng v Aust at SCG Day/Night

Friday January 24
Hunter Valley, home of Australian wine – Afternoon private wine tasting sessions at various vineyards– possible end of tour! Stay Hunter Valley.

Saturday January 25
Match 4 vs. Brokenwood Cricket Pitch Vineyard XI

Sunday January 26
Golf morning + more wine tasting. Afternoon return to Sydney for flight to Whitsunday Islands (Tropical paradise on the Barrier Reef)

Monday January 27
Beach

Tuesday January 28
Beach

Wednesday January 29
Game 5 v TBC / Beach

Thursday January 30
Beach

Friday January 31
Beach

Saturday February 1
Game 6 v TBC. Return to Syndey for end of tour dinner. Stay at Park Hyatt with views over the Harbour

Sunday February 2
Depart Sydney 16:00

Monday February 3
Arrive UK 0600

Who's going (so far) Steve Bailey, Mike Chase, Michael Chetwode, Eds Copleston, Tim Evans, Pete Hobbs, Freddie Hood, Tom Hufton, Rick Johnson and the long-suffering Melissa, John McDermott, Nick Read, Nathan Ross, Henry Watkinson (TBC), Martin Williamson, Andy/Liz Wright.

Style gurus lose their way Stateside

The fourth trip to Florida was our least successful on the pitch but probably the most enjoyable off it.

After the human cost of last year's eight-day tour, this year's strategy was to arrive late - so late that our first match took place 13 hours after our arrival in Florida (and about eight hours after we finally extracted ourselves from the Alamo Car Rental office in Tampa). It was little surprise that we lost to a Sarasota side we should have comfortably beaten. We had woken (sobered) up by the time of our second match in the afternoon and comfortably beat. The salubrious Denny's Restaurant hosted a 'Schooldays' dinner at which we enhanced our reputation as a side who cared more about enjoyment that winning.

The squad against the picturesque backdrop of the Holiday Inn
On Friday we faced the eventual winners Ashurst Crusaders, a side which contained Mike Gatting and Ashley Cowan among others. Gatt found the OC attack of Johnson and Trevett to his liking (in a throwback to his days as captain, Chetwode hid until Gatt was well out of sight) and chasing 69 we were well beaten.

Our final match was a formality in that we were already eliminated, but it still had spice as it was against our old rivals Houston Memorial, previous winners and a side who had never beaten us. Houston batted first and set a target of 69, a tough score in the five-over format. Although we lost pinch-hitter Chetwode for 0, Nathan Ross, Rick Johnson and Pete Hobbs, aided by a plethora of wides, saw us home with eight balls to spare.

So we ended with a 2-2 record. In fairness we were probably one of the best four sides in the tournament but suffered from late nights and being in a tough group.

Nathan 'Random' Ross was the pick of the batsmen, and one of the best in the whole competition - at last a ringer who can ring - and he retired in each of his four innings.

Off the field Random also displayed an un-OC habit of talking to girls and not have them walk away within seconds. Hobbs arrived with a massive reputation as a stud, was blown away by some silly drinking on the first night and only recovered as the tour ended. Tom Trevett, king puller in Kenya, enhanced his reputation further with some smooth action in Sarasota.

But the undoubted success of the tour was not one of these, but the striped blazer. Ridiculed at Gatwick, it was idolised by Americans and attracted comment (and women) wherever it went. It proved the best ice-breaker known to man, and was only undermined by the inability of most of the wearers to follow-up these openings. Safe to say it looked far better on the ladies at Cheetah's and various waitresses than it did on any of the OCs.

Tour party Steve Bailey (capt), Michael Chetwode, Rick Johnson, Tom Trevett, Pete Hobbs, Martin Williamson, Nathan Ross, Will Bond, John McDermott, Sylvia McDermott, Andy Wright, Liz Wright.