'I'm the man' - Copleston

Simon Copleston launched a broadside at the OCCC's lacklustre management in recent seasons following the announcement that the club had been admitted to the Brewers Cup.

"Finally the OCCC is going to play some competitive cricket again," said the Cranleigh Village star. "Gone are the lazy days of friendly matches; Watkinson throwing up grenades; Chetwode coming on to mop up the tail; hat-tricks from Euan Briggs; everyone on the boundary to give them the single; centuries from Eds (Copleston) against Blackheath. Next year the OCs are going back to what they do best - winning!"

The OCCC will play old rivals the Old Hurstjohnians in the first round of the Cup, and Copleston is in no doubt that new blood is needed for this venture…and he has an idea who might best fit this role.

"Who better than me? I can promise you controlled aggression; dedication to winning, teamwork; flamboyance and gritty determination all rolled into one. I've got a wealth of competitive captaincy experience.

"Steve Bailey has promised to be my vice captain," added the clearly deranged left-hander. "The campaign will be getting into full swing on my return from an intrepid cricket tour of India, where I intend to visit the Gavaskar school of captaincy."

Former prospect Nick Read added: "Copleston would make a far better Fixture Secretary, as proven at school when he failed to beat Messrs Johnson and Watkinson to the higher echelons of the CCC."

He droned on: "I assume that these Brewer games will be abroad as I only play my cricket on foreign soils nowadays. However, as a direct contrast to Mr Bergkamp, I can always change my mode of transport from plane to car, if the price is right (and I am now extremely cheap).

God slams fitness jibes

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The OCCC have confirmed that they will break with 110 years of tradition and wear coloured clothing for the forthcoming trip to Sarasota.

The clothes, designed by Armani, will be predominantly navy blue, with orange trim. The cap will be of a colour chosen by Henry Watkinson. Coloured pads etc have been borrowed from a county side. As another concession to the modern game all players will have names on the back of their shirt, although Rick Johnson is threatening to sue after it was revealed that his shirt will bear the legend Dyson!

Another open for endless ridicule is Nick Read, a man who is fir for about three weeks of any year. He has not let the side down this time, pulling a hamstring during last weekend's OCHC match.

When asked, he denied that he was a weak drip. "I pulled my hammy this last time last year before Florida, attempted to pull out of the cricket, was coerced into playing four games (embarrassingly hobbling) by Messrs McDermott and Watkinson, and managed to do more damage such that I did not play hockey again until February, and then pulled it again in first game back as was recommended by physio to take a year off sport to which he said 'bollo** off' (though this may be seen as a blessing to the OC's)."

Stung by suggestions that he would be out until 2001, he thundered, "Unlikely to be fit before Christmas" needs to be differentiated to "being bullied to play 10 overs of cricket by Williamson et al in Florida" to "unlikely to be match fit to play hockey, save ripping the frickin muscle again."

"Puurrlleeaasee! Let's hope I have more joy in pulling things other than muscles in the US. One can only pray." When asked about the possibility of the latter, the consensus of OCCC tourists was that there was more chance of Bailey avoiding another confrontation with The Wall than Reado pulling.